Day 714, Ballroom Bitz

These ceiling lights are a binary representation of the conference taking place below.

Here you can see them in 'reset' mode just before the next keynote.

Sweet!*

* Groan.

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Day 713, Standby

Standby mode has been enabled.

Countdown:

3

2

1

We're rolling.

And here we are in a field, the usual operatives being unavailable for comment we have activated some stand-ins.

To the casual observer these stand-ins have the appearance of a familiar type of livestock.

On further inspection it will be revealed that they are actors wearing very heavy make-up.

Thespians are often used in these situations.

This is due to their great number, and even greater likelihood of availability due to lack of work.

You may have heard actors refer to this lack of work as 'resting', this is a complete misnomer however.

The word 'resting' implies that there is some sort of tiring nature to their original work.

Ho, ho, ho.

That's enough ridiculing actors, I am being completely unfair, it's a tricky job but someone has to do it.*

* Actors are often very insecure and likely to take even the slightest comment, or 'note' as they might call it, very seriously and literally.


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Day 712, Man's view

Never see your face.

And there's no need.

Just a decent aim.

And a timer for the shutter, obviously.*†

* It isn't possible to multitask in this situation, even if multitasking in that sense existed, which it doesn't.
† And no, nothing else happening other than taking a photograph, for goodness sake.

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Day 711, Big Foot

One enormous foot.

This really needs sorting out, it causes all sorts of difficulties.

All the shoe sizes are incorrect.

Having to put it on a shelf by the bed is fine, until I turn over.

Then it knocks all of the board games over.

There is no punchline.

It's a foot, not a fist.*

* For goodness sake...

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Day 710, Sheepshank redemption

Today we are all about the knots.

And the importance of making sure you have good knots, especially if you are climbing.

Otherwise your knot may fail and you will go tumbling down the side of Mam Tor like a mighty cheese.

Knowing nothing about knots myself what I suggest is you go and look them up.

Here are some animated knots to get you on your way.

Top tips courtesy of Bernadette the curious sheep.

You are welcome.

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Day 709 Angry side street

Look down on the side street

Rubbish filled, unpainted beside the graffiti

Gutters choked, overgrown, sluggish

Empty eyes reflect through wet paving

Dismissed, unseen, unheard

Where St George and the Union sit together

Flexing their rhetoric

Mouthing hollow ideology

And obsolete conjecture

While gaining momentum

The elective deaf, eyes on the main highway

Ignore the old road as it widens

And its visceral desire to be looked up to

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Day 708, Tea Cup

It's a cup, featuring a person with a bent sword.

Bent sword person, sort it out.

But the bent sword person is not able to sort it out, being only a two dimensional image.

The bent sword person can't even tell if the cup is half full or half empty.

If they were sentient they would be unaware of there being a container due to their dimensional restriction.

The entire world, galaxy, universe as a plane, a two-dimensional infinite surface.

Which in the current climate may be the more preferential position, one of ignorance.

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Day 707, What am I bid

How much am I bid for these rare, brand new, sequential, delightful and lovely Lady Godivas?

Each featuring the gnarled phizog of that old trouper Winnie Churchill.

Get them while they last.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Hold up, here's the Old Bill, scarper.*

* Should have used eBay.

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Day 706, Accidental efficiency

One day all meetings will last as long as it takes to read these words.*

Item 1.

First set of words?

Yes, they're good

Me too.

Ok, moving on.

Item 2.

Second set of words.

Review of outcome.

That seems to cover it.

Don't forget the task for x.

Ok, noted.

Moving on.

Ah, that's it.

Hurray, let's go down the pub.


Accidental image of a keyboard in the rush to leave.

* And will be productive and achieve their objectives.

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Day 705, High and dry Sierra

Onward and upward.

Love a risky life?

Install the latest update.

As soon as it is released.

Jump into the unknown as an early adopter.

And feel the freedom of exploring the boundaries of functionality.

Lose access to network storage.

Perhaps you're not fussed about that.

Expensive third party applications stop working.

Maybe that isn't an issue.

How about losing access to your local storage and being forced to do clean install.

Carry on.

Discover all the bugs that haven't been ironed out.

You'll be thanked for it.*

* Hahahahahaha, don't be soft headed, you will receive no thanks.


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Day 704, Foot Up

Busy life?

Need a rest?

Too much to do to be able to put both your feet up?

Then why not use the patent Elliott mono-foot rest!

Designed for a lifestyle needing one foot constantly doing crucial ground work, while giving the other foot a well earned break.

Only €70.99, or in pounds sterling £399.99, hurry, this rate will only get worse.

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Day 703, Sauce Pan

Mixing up a base sauce for something.

Then got distracted and went full-on baked beans, olives and pasta.

The 48 guests were happy to each have a teaspoon of sauce tomat and half an olive.

Not quite the miracle of the five loaves and two fish, but still a feeding of the multitude.

It's the pan which makes all the difference - it's the copper bottom, it increases the product.

And it looked appetising, unlike the image below showing prior to baked beans, olives and pasta.*

* The above may have happened, although many guests did not turn up having been 'disappeared' by an oligarch.

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Day 702, New world disorder

It's not unusual for me to ramble on about things, to mutter and grumble, to have a chunter.  A low-level mulling over of things that are causing agitation, questioning and wondering.  This may all be leading to some instability in my mental health.  As I get older I'm starting to think I'm getting more stupid, which may be true.  It may also be part of the continual recognition that things I used to think were simple are actually significantly harder and more complex than I could have imagined.  I'd never considered that my imagination was limited, and I don't believe that, so it must be either an increasing stupidity, or an increasing recognition of complexity.

One or the other.

It was while I was talking about the craziness of the world, chuntering, to someone the other day that I did a double take.  I said "we have a world where Trump and Putin are taken seriously, they are both crazy lunatics", which could be phrased better, but in an informal conversation it is fine.  The person responded along the lines of "yeah Trump, he is dangerous, but not Putin, he's ok."

I was genuinely surprised by this, so much so that I didn't say "What the fuck?"  It registered but I wasn't able to process it, like an exception had been caught and I was only able to consider it when doing a stack trace later on.

On the news some hours later I heard the new leader of The Ukips saying she was an admirer of Putin.

Then I started to notice more and more of this, various people all over the place apparently susceptible to simplistic concepts, soundbite politics from the 'strong', sexist, racist and homophobic leader of the Russian Federation.  Or as someone on Twitter said more eloquently:

Why is every nutter in the UK in love with Putin?

I suppose people like Putin make the world feel simple. Hard man, quick decisions. No need for messing about with debate at home or abroad.

Just do it. Politics reduced to a Nike slogan. Same emotional sentiment that lies behind Brexit and Trump and Corbyn.

Maybe the rest of us should yearn for simplicity and stop worrying about complexity, that's clearly the most sensible thing to do, as long as we don't think further ahead than next Tuesday about the consequences.  Perhaps adopting this approach really is the best thing for a person's mental health.*

Artists impression of Trump (bottom left), Putin (bottom right), and me being gobsmacked (top)

* Be aware that I am not saying that people are stupid.

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Day 701, New world order

This garden is out of focus, send me another one - and while you're at it, have the chef shot.

But that doesn't make sense?

Are you questioning my sanity?  Release your medical records, clearly you are seriously debilitated.

Etc.

Don't tacitly accept the validity of the words of maniacs, otherwise we are doomed.

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Day 700, Domino toppling

They're very proud of this building - that's my interpretation of it given that there's a sign boasting "Built 2000" on the side.

This was the site of a pub called The Domino.

The Domino was an unusually shaped building, very similar in design to the old 'Wedding Cake' registry office. 

In fact it was virtually identical, although a little taller I think.

It was definitely bloody awful.

And this building carries on that great tradition.

Like aiming for the world record in domino toppling but only having 25 boxes of dominoes available.*†

* There are 28 dominoes in a box.
† Guess how many in total that is.

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Day 699, A dash of chrome

Detail of the Harry Brearley mural.

Brearley, the inventor of stainless steel.

Get some iron.

Melt it in a massive pot.

Get some chromium, add it to the molten iron until it comprises greater than 10% of the entire volume.

Add a dash of any of the metals nickel, molybdenum, tungsten, titanium or copper, to taste.

Base the above on your requirements.

Roll to desired thickness and finish.

Mill to bar, sheet, wire, plate, coil or tubing, whatever you want.

Enjoy your rust-free metally goodness.

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Day 698, Warming up

Strategic bulb dimming considered as new response to global idiocy.

If you can't beat them, join them.

But first we have to identify and evaluate the global idiots.

If you don't understand the scope of the problem, and don't know the requirements, how do you propose to address it?

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Day 697, Bit of a dab on

You don't need me, or the multiplicity of available weather agencies, to tell you how hot it is.

But.

Hell's teeth, it's hot enough to melt steel.

My brain is frazzled.

And I have the adult equivalent of nappy rash under my armpits.

You probably didn't need to know that.

Sorry.

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Day 696, Mislaid bits

Things, here and there, apparently useless.  Mislaid and without owner.  Everybody has them somewhere, and probably bins them when they turn up and the use is unknown.

This bit was left by the gas service person, but is now effectively ownerless.  I think it was part of the rugged laptop that was part of the gas service kit, obviously this bit wasn't as rugged as the rest.

I won't chuck it out yet, not until I've scrubbed this weird, anthropomorphic like attachment I've developed to it.*

* Starts OCD chant - must chuck it out, must chuck it out, must chuck it out...

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Day 695, Garden Guerilla

You have to wear the correct attire if you don't want to be seen by the enemy.  So today the shorts were camouflage, to prevent the brambles spotting that they were about to be given short shrift.

They didn't return fire, they didn't sound any alert, they didn't run away.  This proves that it worked.*

It is that simple.**

* Arguments like this are false, don't fall for it.
** Anyone can talk bollocks, but you are responsible for testing the validity, your country is at risk if you don't.

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Day 694, Star Trek

Perhaps this bunny would look less grumpy if I'd not trapped its left ear behind its head.

The bunny, a big Star Trek fan, has taken to wearing my old pyjama top in commemoration of the original series.

Bunny is a big fan and can name all the characters, having watched from the start on British TV, and the episodes too.

As it's the fiftieth anniversary of Star Trek bunny has clearly lived long and prospered, given that lifespan.

Over those 50 years bunny hasn't required the efforts of a doctor, a bricklayer, a mechanic, or, oddly enough, an escalator.

Due to the anniversary bunny has decided to spring arthritically out of its burrow to watch the back catalogue of TV shows.

I might join bunny in this endeavour - if I caaaaan.*

* Bunny may also want to watch the films.

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Day 693, On the road

My feet hurt.

Perhaps I've been walking too much.

Truman Capote's view of this is that it "is not walking at all - it's stepping."

That's enough tortured references.*

* Here are some reviews of the novel - I didn't get on with it at all, surprised it has such a high rating.

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Day 692, Don't look, disengage

Took a trip to the moronosphere* to check out the anti/pro EU arguments.

Oh my.  These do go on and on, and in circular fashion, for some time.

And there's a common theme.

The 'Brexiters' in these particular places sure liked their insults.**  They liked them so much that they favoured them over rational argument by some considerable distance.  Insults interspersed with negative terminology and school playground level nick-naming of people, concepts and things.  I expect if they were pulled up on it they would call it 'banter'.***

If a 'Remainer' inadvertently returned the favour and made the mistake of suggesting something in the slightest and most vague unsavoury way, using the most oblique, indirect and not even deliberate language, then oh boy, that's when the righteous indignation kicked in and the 'Brexiter' got out their triple extender ladder to mount their very high horse.

A ratio of something along the lines of 100 direct insults to 1 vague suggestion that an argument is idiotic - leave:remain.****

Sort of amusing.*****

I expect there are places where the ratio would not be so wide.

The chart on the left was my heart rate while reading the comments - just reading, no commenting, why on earth would I want to do that.

* Online forums, below the line comments, etc, I don't really think these people are morons, that's just for cheap comic effect, as will hopefully become apparent.
** I fully appreciate that these Brexiters are of a distinct and particular type and in no way representative of Brexiters that may be found elsewhere, and likewise the Remainers.
*** 'Just a bit of banter, just a joke, no harm done' - the insidious undermining by the feeble minded when they can't string an actual argument together (that's a joke, we can all stoop to it).
**** These figures are not accurate or in any way representative.
***** Do I mean amusing?


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Day 691, Music Archaeology

John - Well that's great news isn't it?

Yoko - There's no rhyme or reason for such gnomic comment, what are you on about?

John - The return of the classic dole-card band from the 70's or 80's, I forget which.*

Yoko - Oh yes, I used to have one of them, a UB40, the government document.

John - Indeed**, here they are - or at least one of the two bands claiming to be UB40 - back hard on the heels of their bringing down Thatcher success.

Yoko - Wasn't that The Beat that got Margaret to stand down?

John - Apologies, my mistake, to be fair I had been dead a couple of years by the time it was released.

Yoko - Hopefully since JC unveiled UB40 as the voice of someone's youth then all new Labour policies will at least rhyme even if the reason is somewhat lacking.

John - Yeah, we'd all love to see the plan.***

Yoko - Shall we start over?

John Lennon. (Just Like) Starting Over - 1980

* The 70's or 80's, not the band.
** Yoko did an album about her dole years.
*** What more do you want, this is a free publication.

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Day 690, Eaten clean off

They were there, now they're gone.

Forty of them.

In no time.

Who would have thought the sprouting leaves of onions were that attractive to passing trade.

Forty.

In a matter of days.

Tsk.*

Did I mention that there were forty of them?

* The usual contributor is in a strop.

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Day 689, The birds

The birds
I can tell there are loads of them
But I can't tell what they are
Maybe if they could tell me
Perhaps they can be trained

I'd like the birdsong piped in
Everywhere
During dreams
In the office*
Down corridors
Birdsong
Everywhere

They're all welcome
Except the ones that ate my onion tops
They really need to take a good hard look at themselves**

* We all dream in the office, don't deny it.
** Wood pigeon, I'm talking about you.

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Day 688, Heavy Duty

A few evenings consumed by work, not that heavy duty but a mild additional stress to carry on beyond the end of the working day.

Of course it would be preferable without it, but progress often means a small amount of inconvenience, and knowing it will ultimately make things easier to manage is a good spur.

The better the preparation, the smaller the number of follow-on issues - there are always follow-on issues, no matter how much we try to cut them out, as there are things which are out of our control.

Even apparently simple things are very much more complex behind the scenes, that's the theatre of service provision.*

Here is a box of Heavy Duty Blades.**

* Oh the trauma of the performance arts.
** Running on empty.

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Day 687, Head Space

It's often been said that it helps to have somewhere to put your head.*

Well worry no more, for here we have the Schuberth head-berth, available from all good head shops.

They may also sell berths for shoes, I didn't ask.

This funky head protection device features a storm trooper style, half-height, drop-down tinted eye shield.**

And what's more it comes with free fly-parts, some of which can be seen still stuck to the front.***

* Has it?
** Not seen here, probably invisible to CCD's.
*** Actually I cleaned them off, it's probably dust rather than legs.

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Day 686, Magic Ali’s Gallic radio return

Being a fan of the least-effort-expended absorption method of learning I was listening to France Info, a French radio station, on the internet the other night.  I hoped I would magically become fluent while listening to the radio and simultaneously doing evening server work.  My understanding of what was being spoken was limited, in fact it wouldn’t be unreasonable to say my French is dire.*

It struck me that the French people in this discussion programme had a peculiar interest in British late twentieth century comic magicians, in particular they kept talking about Ali Bongo.

Ali Bongo was a magician who was active from around 1960, he was a member of the Inner Magic Circle and had been the Magic Circle Magician of the Year in 1972.  He had worked as a consultant on many television programmes and had had a very successful international career.  He died in 2009.

I was greatly amused to believe that there was such depth of interest in the deceased theatrical deceiver that it could prompt thirty minutes of continuous discussion, and continued to be amused for some time.

It wasn’t until a day later, on hearing the news in English, that I discovered the reason for this apparent Bongo fury.  A completely different Ali Bongo had become president of Gabon in 2009 and had just been re-elected, and his re-election had prompted violence including some deaths.

This shows just how rubbish my French is and sheds a different light on 'false friends'.

* Yeah, that's rubbish, sorry.

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Day 685, Garden tidy

Gardening can be a time consuming process.

It can often feel as though no progress is being made even though enormous effort is expended.

Well fret no more.

Here's the answer - and it really works.

Incremental application of endeavour, just a small amount each day, will reveal astonishing results.

Just see below for the effect, this took me only 10 days.

Spend as little as 30 minutes per evening and within no time you too will have a garden that looks like this.

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