The first in what might or might not be a series of useful tips on how to deal with potentially tricky situations.
Today: What to do in the event of... Alien invasion
First of all, have you eaten or drunk anything that someone may have tampered with? If that isn't the case then verify what you think is happening with another person, it is crucial at this point to rule out any form of psychological event that may have occurred to you alone.
So let's now assume that other people are experiencing this visual disturbance too.
Are the aliens definitely aliens?
Are you sure?
Really? Are they not just people or animals dressed up to give the impression of being aliens?
Perhaps they are psychology students doing some sort of study. This cannot be ruled out, aim to remain completely calm and act as though nothing unusual is happening. They will eventually decide that they have enough evidence of British reserve and sang-froid and will bugger off and leave you alone.
Ok, if they aren't psychology students then the only obvious remaining answer is that they are aliens. They may be friendly. In fact you had better hope they are friendly because after all of that previous decision making and uncertainty has been taking place it's severely eaten into your 'running away' time.
If you are a particularly fast runner there might still be a chance. Possibly, but only if you can distract them by pointing at something behind what you think might be their head and shouting "oh look, an earth virus potentially fatal to aliens," or "look, it's raining," or "it's the Doctor!"
Frankly though if you haven't taken cover at this point you are stuffed. The only thing left is to use your best alien Polari, picked up from the actors in Old Compton Street, and intone "Klaatu barada nikto".
Then all should be well.
At least that's what Arthur Bostrom told me in the bar of The Queen's Hotel.
I think.
And there is The Queen's Hotel, shortly after alien attack.
For official/internal use only:
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