Day 35, work rules

Here’s a few things we should do at work.

We should all be backlit.

We should all wear deeley boppers, with coloured lights in them.

We should all have to wait 10 seconds after someone has finished speaking before we start.

We should be limited to 30 seconds of speaking.

No meeting should last more than 30 minutes.

Photographs on identity cards will be in profile, from your best side.

Meetings must start and finish on time.

There will be five 'kiss me quick' hats available for departmental use.

Names will be drawn out of a hat for order of speaking.

In meetings you will only be allowed to speak twice in any rolling 10 minute period.

Important decisions can only be made after three people have successfully juggled a salt pot, a pepper pot, and a jar of mustard, for 20 seconds each.

There must be an agenda included in any meeting booking.

Dinner breaks should always be observed.

A minimum of three full days notice is required for any meeting.

Emergency meetings are allowed and should be held while walking in an anti-clockwise direction around meeting tables while music plays.

A ‘kiss me quick’ hat has to be worn while speaking.

Emergency meetings are subject to the same speaking rules except members may speak for only 15 seconds and may speak 3 times in any 7 minute rolling period.

Silence is valid, tolerated, and lends greater weight to anything you might ever have said - you must actually have said something at some point.

Food will be from a recommended range of noodles or home made sandwiches.

Shorts will be mandatory when the temperature is at exactly 17 degrees C.

No person should remain seated at a desk for any period longer than 15 minutes.

Runny noses will not be tolerated.

Anyone deviating from the above will have to affect a French accent, as close to that of Marseille as possible, and say "hello, I'm Nigel Farage, a famous burlesque artist", before speaking further.